ONE OF MANY MORE TO COME!

Just got into shooting little videos of the girls! Here's Lily/Zelda for your edification!

TRANNY CHASERS! STRAIGHT OR GAY?

Waxing philosophical this month, Dollar Bill ponders not the age old questions of “Who am I?” and “How did I get here?” but rather skips to a more updated and relevant mind bender: “The tranny chaser...is he straight or gay?” And who better to answer that question than a guy who visits she males’ apartments regularly to book their ads, listen to their problems, hear their stories, gossip about the other she males, and check out how many hormone bottles are inside their fridge when he hits the icebox for a cold one?

Traveling the highways and biways of the adult bodywork nether world is at once a fascinating study in the human condition...AND a migraine headache which makes my former employment - driving a New York City cab - seem like a walk in the park. And when It comes to the sociologically mind-boggling AND the intensely frustrating, the transsexual community certainly holds its own against any other nationality, gender or ethnicity body working their way through life. (Bodywork?!?! Is that the stupidest euphemism you ever heard in your life?) Whatever...I double digress...and now get to the point:

The other day, an old friend called up - a bodyworker of course - and out of nowhere began questioning me as to whether I “do” the she males and what kind of guys prefer she males to say...a gorgeous broad like her?
In her usual unenlightened fashion (Hey what can I tell you? She ain’t Einstein...but she has great tits), Miss Honey launched into an impassioned tirade proclaiming that any man who sucks cock...is gay. And on the face of it, I would agree. But really, there’s more to it than meets the eye - as I began explaining.

“Gwen...I would agree with you but having been an integral part of the transsexual community for a long time, I have a few meaningful insights on this subject which may shed some light on this issue. For starters. Many of the guys who see she males, will book a tranny on Tuesday...you on Thursday...and do the wife over the weekend. And I find it difficult to call a tranny chaser gay...if he can have sex with you or his wife."

Additionally, if a tranny chaser were gay, why wouldn’t he simply book a man? The fact is...if a tranny chaser chooses to step out of the transsexual realm when calling bodywork ads, he’s (according to the girls) much more likely to call a born female than a man. And that tells me something. Tranny chasers love a woman’s softness, tits, ass, curves and everything else that makes women so fabulous to heterosexuals. And it’s because of these feminine characteristics that he prefers the company of a she male to a nasty hairy, titless, musky man. Does that sound gay to you?

Now I’m going to tell you a story not to bore you - but to inform. I once had a female client who confessed that she was never bisexual until she began working in a garden variety of whorehouses all over the city. Checking out all the other girls’ assets every day, and watching certain guys pick other girls instead of her because (presumably) one had bigger tits - or a fatter ass - or longer legs - or a prettier face, she found herself working out her insecurity by simply befriending the other girls so she could suck and fondle all the body parts they had that weren’t exactly the same size and texture as her own.

I tell you this story because I genuinely feel that all the societal pressure - all the visible pornography - and all the references by females to how they slave for a big, fat cock has beaten down a significant portion of the heterosexual male community to the point where they too want to suck and fondle guys’ body parts. So if you’re basically a straight guy how can you reconcile this inner turmoil? Making love to a guy would be horrible! But wait a minute! TRANNIES! A hot, sexy, drooling, cock-hungry chick with a stiff willy to play with? Voila...there’s the answer.”

I paused for a moment, confident that I’d made my point - but of course I hadn’t. Gwen is clearly a homophobe of sorts who understood almost nothing of what I had just told her. “I don’t care. If you suck cock, you’re gay,” she concluded - no doubt, the prevailing attitude in the mainstream.

I continued in defense of the people who hand she males money so they can in turn hand it to me to run their ads.

“Gwen! Haven’t you ever felt up one of your friend’s tits or asses because they were so plump or whatever?” I continued.

“Yeah, sure! But I’m not gay.” Oy! Obviously some sort of reverse double standard was in full effect and I quickly remembered why I never fell in love with Gwen even though we had great sex and she is easily the best looking Asian bodyworker in New York. SHE’S A FUCKING IDIOT!!

The head of classified advertising from The New York Press called at that moment about something more important than philosophizing about the sexual orientation of a tranny chaser, and I had to get off the phone. But all was not lost. I had the theme of my next “She Male” feature. And I think it’s an interesting one.

Often when I visit my clients’ apartments, I sit not only do business...but gossip as well. And often our social/business interaction is cut off with the familiar statement “Billy, I have a guy on the corner. Gather up your shit and get the fuck out.” And when I leave I almost always run smack dab into the guy who is coming to see my client.

First, the guys never look gay and display no outward appearance as such. I see businessmen, handsome model types, occasional gnomes, old men and even ghetto thugs. And I find it hard to believe in most cases that these guys just do she males. More likely, their tranny chasing is a closeted “other life” which nobody knows about. And that contention is borne out by the fact that almost never will the tranny chaser’s eyes meet mine as I exit and he enters, even though homey has no idea that I know who he is and what he’s about to do. Tranny chasing by and large, is a very clandestine activity - and a very popular one as well. The amount of money spent by tranny chasers - whether they be straight, bi or gay - is considerable.

Honestly, I’m not clear why the sexual orientation of a tranny chaser is such an issue? But on second thought...this might be it: With born females, I can only surmise that a hot tranny constitutes a major threat. I mean...how can they compete with a chick who has bigger tits, a phatter ass than they...AND a big willy to boot? In the case of Gwen, she had really called because business was falling off and she needed to renew her ads. And I guess she felt that her regulars were (at least possibly) defecting for the company of a big-bootied/heavy-balled tranny - and was feeling insecure about the entire affair.

Lending credibility to that theory, I know several females who harbor fantasies about getting fucked long and hard by a beautiful, functional she male. She males just have so much, making love to one a female can exorcise all that penis envy and feminine cattiness/jealousy in one incredible interlude with a miraculous divastud. Talk about purging you mind, body and soul! Could there be a better way for an oversexed and overly insecure nymphomaniac adult bodyworker?

Anyway, before I slip out of my Platonic garb and end this meaningless diatribe, I’ll finish by observing that the once puritanical human species has evolved sexually to such a point that we now have a third sex and are struggling to define the sexual orientation of the person who likes to have sex with modern medicine’s relatively new creation. And really and maybe even more important...what’s with all the fucking labels? If it feels good and you’re not hurting anybody...you might as well go for it. Just use a rubber. That’s what really matters!

THE HISTORY OF TRANSSEXUALITY: Meet Cristine Jorgensen

You probably think that Dollar Bill spends the majority of his life jerking off to photos of big-dicked transsexuals. But nothing could be further from the truth. Actually, he spends most of his life jerking off to The History Channel - that is - when he’s not chasing shemales for their ad money. And so this month, our learned professor traces the origins of the transgendered phenomenon so that we may all better understand what the hell all this tranny stuff is about in the first place!

It may come as a shock to some of you guys but the truth is transsexuality is not an entirely new concept, and the girl you saw last night doesn’t have a triple-o vin number. Which is to say, our current gaggle of advertisers aren’t the first chicks with dicks the planet has ever known. The concept of transsexuality is actually not a new one at all. There have been numerous examples throughout history of men wanting to be like and dressing as females as well as females wanting to act like and be men.

The problem was way back when, there were no surgical procedures available to help further the notion of transsexuality. Nor were there any hormones available to aid in the transformation. Men or women could only use other sex garb and make-up to create the illusion of transsexuality.

The big change came after World War I when the science and practice of plastic surgery found its birth. So many soldiers came home maimed and disfigured, the medical community found a need and demand to develop new procedures and technologies to help the infirmed and cosmetically challenged. One of these was the injection of silicone into the body, a procedure popularized by Japanese prostitutes hoping to attract American servicemen after the war. On the plus side, the injections created breasts which looked and felt real. (Indeed, I have a few transsexual clients who have this configuration and their breasts are amazing.) On the downside, silicone injection causes so many problems and health hazards that the US outlawed the practice.

Obviously, the legal banning of the procedure has not stopped renegade doctors and nurses from turning a buck in the underground while nobody is looking. And a significant part of that underground is the transsexual population, who routinely get their asses pumped illegally to appear fabulous to those who would court the favor of the transgendered set.

But I digress! The beginning of the modern breast implant age began in 1962 when silicone became available in a pocket or envelope and could be inserted in a girl’s chest to achieve the desired effect. With everything legal and on the up-and-up, an aspiring she male could now for a few thousand dollars have a big, fabulous set of knockers with which to seduce a “straight” guy.

Hormone therapy also found its birth in the 20th century. Originally conceived as a remedy for imbalances, it wasn’t long before wannabe she males figured out that the ingestion or inoculation of estrogen (and other female hormones) would aid in the loss of muscle tone and facial and body hair, as well as an overall softening of the body contour.

Add depilatory creams and electrolysis to the mix to further eliminate unwanted hair, and you have a scenario in which a man can almost completely transform himself into a woman - while keeping the male organ!

While transsexuality was and is shrouded in mystery, the subculture becomes more and more mainstream with the passage of time. And as with all cultural trends, somebody has to be the forerunner and the harbinger of things to come.

Although she wasn’t the first transsexual, Christine Jorgensen stands as the “Christopher Columbus” of the transgendered community. America discovered she males via her public persona.





Christine Jorgensen was born George Jorgensen Jr. in the Bronx, N.Y. on May 30, 1926. At age 5 she asked her parents for a blonde doll for Christmas. When she awoke on the morning of The Nativity, Christine found a red choo choo train under the tree. Despite the obvious, George continued as George throughout his childhood, adolescent and early adulthood life, even serving his country in the U.S Army! But then the call of his truly transsexual nature led George to Copenhagen, where he underwent a series of three surgeries to become the glamorous woman he’d always dreamed she could be.

As previously stated, Christine was by no means the first post-op transsexual - but she certainly was the most visible. A photographer by trade, Christine found herself thrust into the public limelight more by the press’ and public’s insatiable appetite for the facts and gossip concerning Christine, than any particular desire on her part to be so infamous. The year was 1952, and the post war baby boomer generation was just ripe for a cutting edge sci fi story, which not only included a lascivious quality - but also a lesson in the yin and yang of the mid century’s ever-advancing technologies.

Add that she looked and dressed in a very stylish manner and conducted herself in an informed and seductive way - and it was a wrap. Christine became a media star, posing, voguing and entertaining to the tune of $5,000 a week. People lined up around the block just to catch a glimpse of Christine and her show. But more important, Christine became the poster girl for gay/lesbian/transsexual rights and introduced America to its ever-evolving and rapidly-modernizing sexuality. Some go as far as to say that The Sexual Revolution began with Christine.

In truth, her original surgery was very rudimentary. Essentially, she underwent castration and had a penectomy. It was only years later that she returned to the operating room to have a vagina excavated, an operation which wasn’t all that successful. Sex reassignment surgery was in its infancy at the time and anybody who opted for the change couldn’t reasonably expect to have the capacity to enjoy sex that they’d had previously with their parts intact.

At the age of 62, Christine died of cancer, but not before penning an autobiography to document her unique voyage. And Hollywood even produced “The Christine Jorgensen Story,” furthering her legendary status to an even greater extent.

So if you think last night’s date is some kind of trendsetter, well, she may in fact be. Just not on the subject of transsexuality. Clearly, there have been many who’ve been there and done that before - even if your most recent partner does it better with the help of more and more advanced medical surgeries, procedures and technologies.

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TRANNY CHASER!

Dollar “Billy Bob” Bill has gone country parodying Jeff Foxworthy’s “You just might be a redneck” hook, with his own psychotic take on society's covert fascination with she males. Appropriately entitled “You Just Might Be a Tranny Chaser,” the following will no doubt be a painful and nauseating experience - but well worth the insight as usual - that is - if you don’t take yourself too seriously.

In the wild and wacky world of “metrosexualism” (what a bullshit word to describe the current trend), totally horny men-on-the-prowl often wander through the streets of The Big Apple led only by their rigid cocks and the endless need to get that stiff invader off as often as possible - and with the most furious of impassioned dick worshippers they can find. The haze and ooze of this surrealistic search numbs the mind to the point that the sex zombie in pursuit of all these carnal pleasures will often wake up the next morning wondering exactly how to define his sexuality, so that he may be comfortable in his own skin and able to walk by a mirror without turning away for fear of who or what he might see. It’s a quandary for sure!

Take the tranny chaser and the straight-up gay man. Is there a difference? Now in my opinion, there IS a difference between these “metrosexuals.” A gay man falls in love with other men. He may fall for a tranny but his attention will be directed below her waist - not above. On the other hand, a tranny chaser favors a she male over a man because the man doesn’t have soft skin and big juggzz - which are obviously important to a tranny chaser - or he would simply go for a gay man.

Well anyway...lest I overly digress, I have to admit that coming up with subjects for this feature is getting more and more difficult. I am a poison- pen writer whose major thrust is to ventilate at the expense of whomever (including myself) - hopefully in a humorous fashion. Unfortunately, the publisher of this magazine doesn’t want me to make fun of the advertisers who finance this paper. Hence, I feel like a porno stud trying to perform without his viagra or an olympic sprinter running the 100 yard dash with a broken ankle. I would much rather write “NYC’s Ten Biggest Deadbeat Trannies,” than “Zero Population Growth And The Transsexual,” - if you get my drift. It’s just so much more fun!

And so...every month I struggle to come up with a topic that might interest somebody on the subject of transsexuality and the guys who “chase.” And this month after endless mental rumination, I discovered one passage in last issue’s feature which led me to the promised land once more. It was a silly quip which ended with the phrase “You just might be a tranny chaser.” I read this paragraph to a couple of ancient friends at a high school reunion - all of whom fell out at the absurdity of the subject matter - and suddenly realized that the said narrative faintly resembled the hook line “You might be a redneck” so successfully used by comedian Jeff Foxworthy. And there it was - and is - the title and theme of this month’s feature! How fortuitous. How excellent! Now if I can only think up a few funny lines...it will work. And if it doesn’t who cares? Nobody reads this meaningless drivel anyway. Guys who buy this magazine go straight to the ads looking for a cute she male with a nice package. Yo! So what the fuck? Here goes with the comedy routine:

If you pick up a gorgeous “girl” on the street, invite her to your house, and when she undresses in front of you revealing a big sett of succulent tits AND a long, phat pole, you have to flip a coin to decide what you’re gonna suck on first...YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TRANNY CHASER!!

If you’re tongue kissing your favorite goddess du jour and she tastes a little sticky...or you’re sucking her big clit and suddenly a gush of viscous white stuff projects from her engorgement, YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TRANNY CHASER!

If you actually paid six bucks for this rag and you didn’t hide it under The New York Post, Daily News or other equally egregious tabloid pieces of crap when you went to the counter to pay - you’re DEFINITELY a fucking tranny chaser.

If you like to watch Channel 35 on your cable TV late at night, and you don’t throw up when that repulsive she male phone sex ad comes on...YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TRANNY CHASER.

If you find that in your normal conversation with people who have no idea that you buy this magazine and see these girls, you use expressions like “You go girl,” “You better work,” “Ova,” and “She’s serving,” YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TRANNY CHASER.

If you crave the affections of a lady with big hands, big feet, botox lips and a cute little $1000 dog named Chanelle, Poopsie, Zsa Zsa, or Sparky...GO KILL YOURSELF. You’re a hopeless drone. And get cremated while you’re at it. Nobody will come to your funeral anyway.

If you bought this magazine, called one of the girls, invited her over and then concentrated solely on sucking her dick and smooching the stubble on her chin - all while ignoring her big, phat fake juggzz and fabulously round and silicone-induced super booty, you AREN’T a tranny chaser. YOU’RE A FAGGOT - A HOMOSEXUAL MAN - A MARICON - A JOTA. Get out of the closet. You’ll feel so much better for the admission.

If you go out to a dark, loud disco joint, pick up a tall, chiseled "lady" with a deep sonorous voice, take her home to discover that her clit is actually bigger than your dick...and you don't care...YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TRANNY CHASER!

If you resemble a certain ebony comedian/movie star, and you like to pick up transgendered girls in the street at 5 AM to give them rides home (or at least that’s what you tell the police when they pull you over), you’re definitely a tranny chaser - just like the celebrity who used this preposterous excuse when he himself was outed for being exactly what he is: A TRANNY CHASER!!!

If you think Dame Edna is one sexy ho - and don’t even notice that the old fag is actually really fucking funny - forget about being a tranny chaser - YOU’RE A TRISEXUAL NYMPHOMANIAC. You’ll fuck anything!

If you ever went to the newsstand and couldn’t decide whether to buy Screw or this puppy trainer - YOU’RE DEFINITELY A TRANNY CHASER. There’s nothing but tranny ads in either magazine, you homo! But hey! Better buy both. There just might be one she male advertising in one that isn’t in the other.

If you crave the company of a gorgeous female with fabulous soft and natural tits and a fragrant and velvety pussy which you love to pound all night - YOU’RE NOT A TRANNY CHASER. What the fuck are you doing reading this dog shit in the first place?

If your name is Dollar Bill, and you write a preposterous first feature for the leading she male periodical, and you pretend to editorialize and hold yourself above the she male fray while you actually overindulge whenever possible - YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TRANNY CHASER. But you’re not! Contrary to the rumor mill, I don’t blow trannies - and trannies don’t blow me. Ha! Just when you thought I was outing myself.

If given absolutely no parameters as to what to write for your history paper, you choose a subject along the lines of “The History of Transsexualism,” or “Comparative Tranny Cock Size Through The Ages,” or “J. Edgar Hoover And The History Of Crossdressing,” YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TRANNY CHASER!

If you surreptitiously surf the web to jerk off, accidentally stumble upon a tranny feed and bust all over your pot belly before the stream even loads - YOU JUST MIGHT BE A TRANNY CHASER!

If you think “Paris Is Burning” and “The Rocky Horror Picture Show’ are two of the most fascinating, well-written and convincingly-acted films you’ve ever seen, you’re definitely no Roger Ebert - but YOU MIGHT JUST BE A TRANNY CHASER.

And there you have it! If that ain’t a litmus test for your tranny chasing quotient, I’ll kiss your ass...but only if you’re an onion-bootied, brain-dead born female ghetto hoochie mama - ‘cause I’m definitely a big fag for a dumb rapper-worshipping, illiterate, slow-minded, blunt-smoking lady of color. I just can’t help myself. What can I say?

WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A SHE MALE - It Ain’t Easy Bein’ a Tranny

Once again Dollar Bill imparts his questionable wisdom nauseating us all with his smug self-righteousness! Does he really know anything about the she male subculture or is he just jerking himself off? You be the judge!

Often, outsiders to the subculture - and even guys who call she male ads in the papers and websites - have no idea what really goes in the mind of a she male, or why she decided to be the transgendered person she is in the first place. And while I am not myself a transsexual, I’ve certainly spent enough time observing the transgendered sociological phenomenon via my long relationships with many of the girls on the scene to understand exactly what makes a she male tick. And if I don’t, you can trust that somebody will call up after reading this to let me know exactly how full of shit I am.

Regardless, here’s my take on the situation: The essence of this culture stems from the theory that occasionally, female psyches are born in male bodies or vice versa, causing a gender identity crisis which renders the person in a constantly conflicted emotional state. Obviously, if you have a man’s body but female’s impulses, you got a problem! Up until fifty or sixty years ago, there wasn’t much anybody could do. Yes, you could dress up in women’s clothing and attempt to look feminine. But you couldn’t have tits, ass or a vagina. And so...homosexuality, while the only viable alternative, wasn’t really the answer. Yes, you could make love with the gender you preferred but still, it wasn’t quite the same as actually transforming your body to another gender, the only true manner in which one could successfully attract a heterosexual of the preferred gender.

Now this is a little complicated for heteros to comprehend. There is a difference between a gay or transgendered person making love to a straight man - versus a homosexual man. Gay men may appreciate a phat booty and a big set of juggs. But they don’t crave them. Straight men do. And for many, if there’s a big, stiff dick attached...all the better! So as a homosexual man, a person with a gender identity crisis has no hope of attracting a straight man. But if he embarks on the transition and becomes a she male with womanly parts...bada BOOM! Now she has hot, straight guys wanting to suck her tits and fuck her ass!

While a significant majority of New York’s she males are still pre-op (they have their dicks), many are in a state of transition and planning to undergo sex reassignment surgery in the not-too-distant future. There are a few reasons why many pre-ops in transition are still pre-ops rather than having already had the surgery. First, the metamorphosis from male to female isn’t cheap. It takes money -- and a lot of it! Chicks with dicks make more money than post-op transsexuals. It’s just a fact! The customers want that little something extra or else they would simply see females. So the girls stay pre-op to earn enough money to eventually make the change!

Second, a candidate for the surgery can’t just walk up to any doctor and go have the procedure done. She must first undergo rigorous psychological counseling and analysis so that the physician feels comfortable making this radical change. And of course, the surgery is traumatic. And finally, post-ops don’t always enjoy sex as much as they used to especially if they were functional pre-ops. So some are hesitant to take the chance on severing some vital nerves which has on occasion made post-ops numb in a very strategic area.

If you think that some trannies are a few cards short of a fifty-two card deck -- and wildly dramatic and emotional -- there is a medical reason. Most she males undergo hormone therapy. Indeed, many shoot up every day to maintain their feminine personna! When you shoot estrogen in a born-male body what you get is a fight between the male androgen hormone and the female estrogen hormone raging in the person’s bloodstream. And that battle can manifest itself via wild mood swings and basic bipolar behavior. Girls have suggested on several occasions “Don’t come over. I just shot hormones and I’m a little crazy.” Enough said. I always heed that warning! I got enough drama in my life.

Female hormones, while making Miss Honey softer, rounder and more feminine also tend to make the dick soft and nonfunctional -- as does constant sexual activity! She males in the escort biz have the basic problem that the customers want them hard. But how many guys can you get hard for in a day -- especially if they’re gross and disgusting? Hence, viagra, cialis or levitra enters the she male’s drug regimen regardless of whether she’s having sex for fun or money. The point is that trannies do a lot of drugs. And I’m not saying they’re heroin addicts or coke heads. They simply inject foreign substances and/or take them orally to a) look good and b) perform well. But all this takes its toll on the mind and body. So if trannies weren’t nuts to begin with, they have all these substances to help them along on the road to insanity.

Often, the search for the perfect man is in constant motion - whether the hunter is a female or she male. But with she males there’s a lot of chicanery involved. Thus, dimly-lit club life comes to the fore. Remember, trannies want a straight guy, so low lights, loud music, liquor and/or other mind-altering substances are a she male’s best friend. Better to ease that straight man into the transsexual reality than slap him in the face (no pun intended) with it. It’s a big turn-on when she males are mistaken for females. It make the girls feel self-actualized to fool a guy into thinking he’s rubbing up on a girl - rather than a she male. Easing that guy from a booty dance at a club to the bed is a gauntlet that faces many horny pre-ops! It ain’t easy bein’ a tranny! What can I say?

Whether a she male is a big party girl or a homebody, most spend an inordinate amount of time and money improving their feminine figure and appearance. There are always trips to the manicurist and pedicurist. Artful fingers and toes always attract a hot guy! Then there’s the hair salon. Trannies spend big bucks doing their hair. Hundreds of dollar a throw to get that perfect streak of blonde and seductive cut is commonplace. A visit to the electrolysis lab to remove some unwanted hair is often on the she male’s beautification itinerary as well. And finally, a junket to the surgeon for pre-op prepping or post-op check-ups can be on the list. Trannies are often surgery addicts, constantly fine-tuning their faces or bodies to achieve perfection. The fact that many are “surged” to death seems to escape many drama queens. I remember one client returning from $15,000 worth of brow trimming, nose-jobbing etc... and I didn’t even see the difference! But when I saw her six hours after some lipo and a face peel...that was an entirely different story. I couldn’t look. The girl was as scary as Freddy Kruger with all that skin hanging off her face! Gaaag!!

Sometimes, she males want to assimilate into mainstream society. And sometimes they just want to hang in their subculture. So when it comes time to hang out, they may venture into a mixed venue filled with straight, gay and transgendered people...or go to hang with their own and the people who adore them (tranny chasers). Pursuant to this, there are several places (Escuelita or Edelweiss) where the girls go for a night out in their element. If they’re looking for boyfriends or hot sex with a cute stranger, they’ll hit places like the old Sound Factory where virtually people of all genders and sexual orientations congregate. Where she chooses to hang depends on the mood and/or the girl’s personality.

She male family life is yet another facet mainstream people rarely consider. Are trannies such social pariahs that their families simply can’t deal - leaving them as orphans? Apparently, the answer to that question is no -- especially with foreigners. Mothers, brothers and sisters seem to visit from the home country quite often. One of my Venezuelan clients has a she male sister! She and the two “girls’” mother are visiting right now as I write this. South American cultures seem to feel that transsexuality is less freakish than their American counterpart. Gorgeous she males abound in Brazil where the country all but oozes sexuality. I’ve actually met a few of the girls’ siblings or mothers and I didn’t find them or the situation strange at all.

But once in a female whorehouse, I ran into a phone girl who was actually the blood mother of one of the girls she was selling over the phone. A mother booking her daughter to have sex with strangers for money? That I found a little disturbing. Go figure! Until next month...enjoy yourself with these fascinating erotic ladies! Why not? You only live once. Just pleez....no Congressmen Foleys. That’s all I ask!

TURNING THE TABLES!

Are you tired of slaving all week to hand your hard-earned bucks over to the object of your deepest lust? Well, Dollar Bill is! And here he fantasizes on how to turn the tables, convincing your favorite she male to fork over HER hard-eanred dollars for YOUR companionship!

I’m guessing that anybody who reads this column is an individual who has spent a lot of money compensating the advertisers on this site in exchange for time spent. And I think it's time for a change! I’ve been around an army of both female and she male escorts on this job -- and I’ve heard the stories from the girls who somehow got hoodwinked into turning customers who used to pay them into boyfriends for whom they have genuine feelings. And this is the success story to which all tricks aspire: To sexually and emotionally enslave a jaded escort for your own purposes. Talk about the hunter getting captured by the game!

Well...believe it or not -- it happens more often than you might think. Unless the girls have sexual abuse and intimacy problems -- which is more the domain of female escorts than she males for sure -- everybody needs love and affection regardless of how many sexual partners they have in any given period of time. You see -- for the girls -- most of the guys who give them money are suspect and disgusting at the outset. And you have to convince them right away that you differ from the norm! This isn’t like the square world. You have two strikes against you immediately because you’re a paying horn dog in the first place.

So how does a guy turn the tide? Exactly how does this work? How can a common john turn himself into Don Juan? Here’s my take on the sale:

TAKE A PERSONAL INTEREST

Before you jump the bones of the sex goddess you’ve just paid, it’s better to introduce yourself and take your time a little at the outset. Shake hands and look your partner straight in the eye. Especially with she males, guys can be very skittish. Seeing she males is a closeted deal to begin with and the girls are used to furtive, sly individuals who give incorrect names and information so as not to be outed for what they’re doing! Yes, you can still lie like a hooker. Just have a little finesse and patience in the process. Once you personalize the encounter, your fiancé will warm up and give you better service. It’s time well spent. Trust me.

When I order a girl, I usually do the wrong thing -- getting the party going immediately so I can stay in the pussy for as long as possible. But recently, I sat down and had maybe ten minutes of light conversation with a young girl. I played her a song on the guitar and then we got busy. The next day the owner called up and asked ”What did you do? The girl asked when she can see you again.” Obviously, youngblood was put at ease in the first ten minutes and thoroughly enjoyed her hour as a result!

SPEND MONEY

I know the object here is to get some free ass but in the beginning -- ya gotta lay the paper! All escorts are money-hungry. That’s why they do what they do! And nothing seduces girls more than a wad of cash. Big dicks come a dime a dozen for escorts. Big spenders don’t! So if you have money -- ya gotta spend it to begin with. It doesn’t matter whether you’re dealing with a female, she male, pro or amateur. Cheap doesn’t make it. Trust me! I’ve blown dozens of opportunities being cheap - and seized upon a few being a spender. Spending always works!

BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE

I know this is easier said than done. You are what you are obviously. But that doesn’t mean you can’t dress nicely, put on a pleasant smelling cologne for your date. This simply demonstrates respect for her -- and yourself -- at least in her eyes. And always be clean. Nobody -- and I mean nobody -- likes a funky man. If your mind set is “It’s just an escort. What the fuck?” that’s fine. But don’t expect to seduce the girl showing up smelly and nasty with skid marks on your underwear and toilet paper pills in your butt. Bitches simply ain’t feelin’ dat!

ROCK HER SEXUALLY

Do the best you can with what you have! Yeah! Escorts like a guy with a six-pack abdomen. But being attentive to her needs and going the extra mile orally (or whatever seems to turn her on) is something all women crave! Hone your technique (whatever the area) and turn on the charm! And keep spending!

ROMANCE AND CANDLELIT DINNERS

Yup! Bring flowers, candy, gifts and all that other nonsense I can’t stand. Take her out to romantic dinners and all that mushy stuff. Recently, one of my longtime clients called to say she was leaving town for a while and wanted to fuck me before she went. But she didn’t just want to show up at my door and work me for a free ad. She wanted to go out for dinner, drinks and dancing whereupon we would then return to my apartment where I could (presumably) lay the pipe free of charge. And this from an escort who’s been selling her wares for 20 years! The point? It doesn’t matter how many guys these girls have been with -- they still get stupid and mushy on the right guy. And remember -- transsexuals want to be women -- and thus have the same emotional needs. And those needs involve courtship, romance and a lot of traditional stuff you’d think somebody who’s sucked on 10,000 dicks would have long forgotten!

TAKE HER ON A VACATION

And book the honeymoon suite. You’d be surprised at how many girls form emotional attachments with guys who simply shower them with love and affection. How many times have you heard women say things like “He wasn’t very attractive in the beginning but as time went by he got a lot better looking!” Even if the girl doesn’t get hooked on you -- she might get hooked on all the perks you offer her and thus -- still need your company. Either way, you’ve succeeded in making the girl need you.

A SMOOTH RIDE

Girls love a dope automobile. If you don’t have a $100,000 Mercedes, book a limo for a dinner date. Limos are long and seductive and make a girl sigh in submission at the very thought of their luxury and length.

UNDERSTAND THE SUBCULTURE

If you’ve been around enough trannies -- or ghetto hoochie working girls (in my case) -- demonstrate your knowledge of her friends’ ways and vernacular. Long ago, I befriended all the Colombian girls in Queens simply because I knew some Hispanic culture and spoke Spanish (Hey! I went to school, y’all!) Just a few “You go girls” accompanied with a finger snap will make the she males giggle and squeal! And you’ll be in -- all the way -- for your knowledge!

MAKE THE GIRL MONEY AND THEN BECOME HER AGENT!

This is a superfluous subhead in reality. Any guy who’s beautiful enough, built enough and hung enough knows a lot more about "management" than I do. But if you’re gorgeous, built and packin’ -- just pile drive the bitch into submission and then offer to post her on craigslist for free. If you can bring clients to the girl -- and help her make money -- you can usually negotiate your companionship in exchange. The next logical step? Impress her with the fact that she needs a financial manager -- and keep pounding her holes -- and leaving her breathless and powerless to not hand you all the money she just made.

Working girls often victimize all men -- except the one daddy to whom she’s emotionally enslaved! Now this is really tricky because generally, there’s only one high cock in an escort’s life. The competition can be fierce but hey -- if you win the gold medal you might as well go for the moolah, too. You can score ass anytime if you have money in your pocket. But having a girl give you hers? That’s a coup indeed!

All right, guys! Now you have the outline on how to turn the tide! Once you realize that you’re the ho and your escort is your trick -- is when you’ve finally won the game!

TELEMARKETING AND THE GOOD OLD DAYS!!

It's been a long time since I was hungry enough to telemarket tranny advertisers. And it ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Trust me. So in order to avoid that nightmare I commissioned my "friends" and colleagues at the leading adult ad agency in NYC to forward me pix and phone numbers of their clients so I could put the girls up free for a while - until they made some money - and then start selling the space at a 30% commission.

Essentially, I followed the model of eros, who gave away ads for a long time and then charged the girls after all the content made the site popular. Thus, I composed an e-mail and began sending the letter to all the advertisers on backpage. And I now find myself back in the land of courting trannies.

Mostly, it's been OK. Not everybody takes the time to respond and send a pic for a free ad. But some have. And I really need to do more e-mail blanketing. Regardless, I'm beginning to remember how creatively shady the girls can be. One set of friends in particular has taken to sending multiple photos from different e-mail addresses. But it's clear it all comes from the same source. For one, every e-mail is cc'd to the original respondent. And almost nobody ever does that. So when I see four e-mails within two hours time come in that fashion....and all with text that says "Columbian t-girl," I'm bright enough to know the 411.

I don't really care about all that. I just want good content for the site. So check it out! The first e-mail from them contained three very nice photos of a girl who looked like she was born a female. And the photos had a web address down the side. So I went to the address and found it to be a Model's directory. Girls! This is exactly what I DON'T want: Stolen/unlicensed photography on my site so the girl or photographer can sue me. WHAT PART OF NO FAKE PIX DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

Shadeeeee! It brings me back to the era of SCREW Magazine being virtually the only vehicle in which the girls could advertise.
Every Wednesday, dozens of trannies would descend on the office to run their ads. And each would sit in the outer office like they were waiting for the dentist as one by one, they filed in to deal with sales girl Serena, The Wicked Witch of the East. And wow! Was she the perfect douchebag to deal with the "shady ladies" or what?

And if you were fortunate enough (or unfortunate enough - depending on your point of view) to enter the outer office melee,
you got smacked in the face with the pungent aroma of like ten different over-applied perfumes. Yikes! I remember one time I walked in to go see The Editor...and ran into like four trannies I knew from selling them Action ads. There was a sort of incestuous tension with me visiting SCREW at the time because I had been a free-lance writer for SCREW for a few years and then got a sales job with the competition (Action Magazine). And Serena didn't like it. So all the girls gathered around me, flirting and asking stuff about their Action ads when Serena saw everything in her office camera and switched her fat fishy butt to the outer office to throw a fucking tantrum because I was invading her territory. It was complete bull shit! She saw the entire deal on the camera and was just being a jealous whore.

It did accomplish one thing, though. She freaked the girls out and they sat down and behaved themselves. Action worked a little bit for the trannies but without SCREW, they were screwed...and they didn't want to piss the queen off and have her intentionally fuck up their ads...which she did a pretty good job of unintentionally.

Well enough reminiscing for the moment. I have another SCREW story that's really hilarious but I'll save it for another time. Like how many loads can I blow on the same post?

The message? Girls! No phony pictures. thanks.